I recently stumbled upon a charming little book called Don’ts for Wives, written by Blanche Ebbutt and published in 1913. This tiny tome is packed with advice on the secrets and pitfalls of being the perfect wife. With sections devoted to the essential aspects of a relationship, it reminded me that at its core, marriage still comes down to some simple truths about love, partnership and patience. I thought it would be fun to look at what was at the centre of a perfect marriage over a century ago, and see how it compares to 2025.
Personalities
We start with ‘personalities’, where we are reminded, “Don’t expect life to be all sunshine. Besides, if there are no clouds, you will lose the opportunity of showing your husband what a good chum you can be.” I quite like the idea of being a ‘good chum’. After all, marriage always was and forever will be founded on a friendship. And who better than a friend to hide in a duvet fort with on a cloudy day – metaphorical or actual!
Self-Expression
Blanche also encourages self-expression, which I think we can all jump on board with, “Don’t be talked down to by your husband when you want to express your views on any subject. You have a right to be heard.” Always, Blanche, always. Thankfully, should this book be written today, this wouldn’t be a groundbreaking suggestion – over 100 years of progress has brought us to a place where a woman’s voice is not just heard but expected in every conversation. I think you’d agree that mutual respect, open dialogue and the confidence to speak up are always to be encouraged, especially in a marriage.
Children
Concerning children we are warned, “Don’t think your baby is as interesting to everyone else as he is to you. Other people are apt to become horribly bored if you can talk of nothing else” …I’ll just leave that one there… But dogs, cats, hamsters – I will watch endless videos of your fur babies… please and thank you.
Body Image
The section on body image could well have been written today, as we are reminded that beauty is skin deep, and that, “Manliness is not a purely physical quality”. Although, paying him the, “Occasional compliment,” is recommended, especially if he has, “Been successful with his chickens”. I’m not sure how that translates into the 21st century. What was he doing with the chickens and what’s the equivalent of them now?! However, it’s a good reminder to recognise and celebrate each other, in every tiny success. There’s always a good reason for a little treaty treat.
Self-Development
A note on self-development, we are instructed, “Don’t let your husband feel you are a ‘dear little woman,’ but no good intellectually. If you find yourself getting stale, wake up your brain! Keep both brain and body on the move.” Gone are the days of assuming wives would stay home, uneducated, thankfully, but I love that in 1913, women were being urged to better themselves, which can definitely be translated into modern-day. Maybe more like, “If your job is boring and stale, think about what lights your fire and go strike that match to ignite it!”.
We are also encouraged, “Don’t lose heart when life seems hard. Look forward to the corner you are bound to turn soon, and point it out to your husband”. Sometimes the simplest reminders are the best. Optimism, positivity and journeying together are still the best solution.
Household Management
Covering ‘household management’, we are not to be afraid of cold meat, despise trifles or the ‘domestic potato’. Lacking inspiration? I suggest investing in a Gousto or Hello Fresh box.
We are also advised to not let the husband, “Wear a violet tie with grass-green socks,” or be sarcastic about their taste in dress. Gentle persuasion is encouraged, tempered with a suggestion to not, “Impose your ideas on your husband in matters of individual taste… so long as his style is not bad”. I mean, I reckon we’re allowed an opinion if they come home with a pair of Yeezys. Jury’s still out on the Crocs too…
Looking outside the household, we are guided, “Don’t forget your poorer neighbours. If every family that had enough to eat kept an eye on even one family that hadn’t, there would be much less misery in the country”. Never a truer word spoken, Blanche, more so now than ever before.
She also mentions the need to avoid catastrophising about your partner’s unknown whereabouts. Instead of us panicking over unanswered calls in 2025, she offers solace from 1913 in the fact that, in all probability, they stopped to buy an evening paper and missed the train (couldn’t resist the Costa drive through, then got stuck in standstill traffic on the motorway) rather than having been, “Run over by a motor-car, robbed and murdered on his way home, or lying in a lonely lane with a sprained ankle.” Thanks Blanche. Fully reassured. I’ll warm the slippers.
Finally, “Don’t omit the kiss of greeting, don’t be shy of showing your love, and don’t be too serious”. Yes, yes and yes. Still very much and will always be relevant.
With over 20 years of marriage under my belt, it’s lovely to realise how many truths still lie in advice from over 100 years ago. Patience, trust and understanding will always be central, as well as fun, silliness and weathering storms together. Our marriage is by no means the same as our wedding day, but my goodness has it aged well.
This book was such a fun read and there are so many more golden nuggets of wisdom I could have shared. Although a lot feels out of date and pretty sexist, there is still so much wisdom in this sweet little book. I wonder just how many marriages it has impacted over the years! If you look beneath the surface, there’s actually a lot of timeless relationship advice in this book such diplomacy, compromise, and putting somebody else’s needs first.
I’m now pretty intrigued to read its partner volume, Don’ts for Husbands… anyone got a copy?
