There’s a long-held belief that couples who don’t talk to each other are at risk of drifting apart. The silence becomes constant and the void grows bigger.
What if the silence is shared and they are content sharing space without speaking a word? Couples married for decades will say words mean nothing when you reach a certain age. A gesture, touch, or smile is enough to convey feelings of comfort, hope, or reassurance.
Simply enjoying each other’s company in the stillness of a moment elevates the experience. Below, we’ll explain the psychology behind shared silence and what experts have to say.
A Sign of a Healthy Relationship?
Professor of Psychology Netta Weinstein and her counterparts identified four types of silence: Intrinsically motivated silence, introjected silence, externally motivated silence, and spontaneous silence.
They conducted four studies to decipher the motives of silence and their corresponding effects. Study participants were asked to contextualize their silence.
Some said it was fun and added to the intimacy with their partners. Others claimed they feared their partner would be angry at them, or because they wanted revenge.
The findings revealed that intrinsically motivated silence is the common denominator in healthy romantic relationships. Individuals use silence as a tool to feel closer to their loved ones.
To answer the question, is shared silence a sign of a healthy relationship? Prof Weinstein explains it comes down to the reason behind the silence.
If it’s due to comfort and contentment, it’s a good sign. But when driven by fear or used as punishment, it’s not.
The Silent Treatment
Shared silence often signifies a deeper intimacy level. It’s a sign that partners feel comfortable and secure in their relationships, knowing they don’t need to converse all the time.
However, many can confuse shared silence with another more destructive relationship trait. Psychologists say the silent treatment becomes a weapon when it’s used as a control tactic to exert power in a relationship.
According to Verywell Mind, the refusal to engage your partner is toxic, unhealthy, and abusive.
Amelia Kelley, the author of ‘Gaslighting Recovery for Women’, tells SELF that the best way to respond is not to enact your silent treatment in return. Nothing gets resolved if both parties don’t talk to each other.
Kelley also says that although it’s easy to cave in and submit to your partner’s bad behavior, you’re feeding into their toxic habits.
Tools to Cultivate Shared Silence
We don’t have all the answers to encourage a healthy, thriving relationship. A licensed relationship counselor arms you with the right tools for dealing with conflict resolutions.
These mental health professionals have years of counseling skills in clinical mental health counseling, family therapy, and group counseling.
Marriage and family therapists work with clients to provide them with strategies to cope with mental illness. They also help them handle relationship challenges.
A mental health counselor requires a master’s degree and may choose to qualify via an MA in counseling psychology online.
The program equips counseling professionals with theoretical knowledge and practical skills to become licensed professional counselors. Students learn to apply counseling psychology principles to real-world situations and can pursue licensure.
Felician University explains that an online MACP program allows graduates to start their careers as licensed mental health counselors in just over two years. The best thing about online education is that it can be pursued without a career break.
The Right Kind of Silence
Until now, Knowable Magazine says scientists mostly ignored shared silence in a romantic context.
Weinstein’s study sheds more light on the interesting phenomenon, especially intrinsic silence, previously believed to induce peacefulness in solitude.
The findings, published in Motivation and Emotion in 2024, turn the theory on its head. The study shows that couples who feel safe expressing their thoughts while enjoying togetherness also experience its benefits.
In other words, we don’t always need to fill the silence with conversation.
Positive indicators of shared silence are feeling secure by simply being present with your partner without words. Shared silence encourages a deeper level of intimacy.
Although it does require you to be vulnerable, it allows you to be fully present without the pretense of facades.
Take the silence as an invitation to reflect on conversations and process emotions without pressure to talk.
Remember, don’t confuse shared silence with the silent treatment. The toxic trait can be weaponized by a partner wanting to control the relationship, and you.
If you lack the emotional capacity to deal with conflict, suggest to your partner that you visit a licensed relationship counselor. They’ll empower you to move forward in a healthy, constructive way together.
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