Romance is different to other areas of life. If we want to get fit, we train a certain number of hours in the gym. If we want to progress in our careers, we set goals, work hard, and seize opportunities. The road to a healthy and loving relationship isn’t so straightforward or clear-cut for many of us. But here are three steps you can take to plan your dating priorities and date mindfully rather than drift.
Decide where you want to be
You are unique. Your life circumstances are unique. Therefore, your search for love needs to be tailored to you. You may be dipping your toe in the water after a long break or starting afresh after a relationship ended.
You may be a seasoned dater, or a disillusioned one. Wherever you are on your journey, I encourage you to think about where you would like to be in three or six months from now, or by the end of the year.
This isn’t about setting hard and fast goals. It’s about creating a loving intention and moving forward purposefully. Your intention may be to refresh your dating profile, to go on three dates with different people, to extend your social circles by joining a club or starting a new hobby, to progress from dating into a relationship, or to take some time out and have fun with your friends.
Create some space to pray about your intention, to check in with your heart. What feels true for you? Where is God guiding you? Journal about your intention. Write down your dreams. Draw a picture of where you’d like to be a while from now – are you alone but feeling happy and enjoying regular dates, gaining in confidence and experience? Are you in a partnership, moving towards commitment?
As you explore your intention, be honest with yourself. I know from experience that I wanted to run before I could walk when it came to finding love. In other words, I dated without doing the essential groundwork first. I dated with low self-esteem and low self-worth and with unhealthy patterns that led me into painful situations. So, for some of you, your intention may be to bolster your self-worth and get some support to understand and unpick your relationship behaviours – to lay your foundations first.
Define your next steps
Based on your intention, define the actions you’d like to take. The first action may be to keep your intention front of mind by putting your writing or your picture somewhere visible so that you don’t get side-tracked. With busy lives, it’s so easy to lose sight of our priorities, to get pulled into work or other activities, especially if we find dating and relating challenging.
What other actions can you take? Do you need to take some new profile shots, send a few messages to potential dates, allocate an hour a week to online dating, spend time researching new hobbies, sign up for a group hike, delete an ex’s number from your phone, clear space in your closet, pause dating and plan an adventure, invest in some relationship support? The choice is yours.
Again, these steps don’t need to be hard and fast, nor are they meant to put you under pressure. They are designed to nudge you gently towards your dreams and to ensure that your wish for a relationship doesn’t get overshadowed or hijacked by other demands.
Bookend your actions
What has helped you to follow through on your intentions in other areas of your life, for example, your career or your fitness? Think about what’s worked and apply this to love.
How will you stay accountable to yourself? How will you keep your promises to yourself? How will you follow through on the actions you have defined? What support do you need to move forwards?
You could bookend your actions with a friend or family member or enlist other forms of support. You could pop a note in your diary in three months’ time to check on your progress. You could reward yourself – buy yourself a gift or take yourself out on a date – when you take an action you’ve been putting off.
These three steps will support you to live and date intentionally, rather than drift, and to feel more energised about your journey to love.
