So how can you date for the future you want?
Let me start by sharing my own experience of looking for and finding love.
I spent my thirties living in London, dating people I met through work, on dating sites and apps, and in social situations. But as I moved into my forties, it became clear to me that I wanted to live on the coast.
So, when a man I met expressed his love for inner city living, I knew that we weren’t a good match. My heart longed to be by the sea whereas the metropolis floated his boat.
Similarly, another date vowed that he would never leave the capital. Again, I immediately knew that we weren’t compatible.
Then, when I met someone who lived on the coast and treasured the outdoors as much as I did, I knew that our relationship had potential. It wasn’t the sole deciding factor, of course, but it was a good starting point from which to explore other areas of compatibility.
Spoiler alert, we married and now live close to the beach.
What preferences do you have for your future life and your future partner? Are they fixed or flexible? Do you have any non-negotiables?
Here are some questions to help you clarify your vision: Where and how would you like to live? What role would you like faith to play in your life and your relationship? Would you like a partner who is hard-working and ambitious, or someone who is more relaxed? Would you like a family, or at least to date someone who is open to that? What qualities do you wish to see in your potential partner?
Some of the qualities that were high on my list were kindness, acceptance, loyalty, a capacity for intimacy and a willingness to work through any sticky issues, alongside a sense of fun and adventure.
Remember, you are not looking for perfection. This doesn’t exist. But you are trying to gauge whether the two of you can grow together, and in roughly the same direction.
You are also not looking for a carbon copy of yourself – this is a mistake I made for a time. I thought I needed to be with someone who was exactly like me. But you are seeking compatibility.
You may bring different qualities, strengths or interests to the table but is there enough common ground?
If you still need to get clear on your future plan and your preferences for a partner, here are some ways to do that:
• Prayer and contemplation
• Journaling
• Sharing with trusted people
• Creative exercises such as drawing a picture of your future or making a vision board
• Exploring and experimenting – by which, I mean trying things out. For example, spend time in the country or in the city if you’re not sure where you want to live, and ask yourself where you feel most at peace.
With the above in mind, don’t forget to be open to surprises. God moves in mysterious ways. Let go of any notion of control and hold the process lightly. Most of the people I know have ended up with partners who are very different to the ones they’d imagined for themselves, myself included.
One last thing to remember: you are looking for a strong connection, because strong connections stand the test of time and endure the challenges that life inevitably throws at us.
So, alongside your broad-brush plan for your future, pay close attention to how you feel when you are with the person.
Do you feel comfortable and at peace, or uneasy and on edge? Do you feel seen and heard, or do you feel overlooked or ignored? Do you feel able to be your authentic self, in full colour, or do you feel like hiding parts of yourself? Do you feel able to express your needs and wants, or do you feel obliged to censor yourself?
The answers to these questions will help you to know if you have found a relationship that will last well into the future.
How do you plan to date for the future you want?
Enjoyed reading ‘How to date for the future you want’? Read more by Katherine Baldwin here
