Here are 5 things to avoid if you want to have a great first date – and not be a bad listener!
Interrupting when the other person is speaking
We’ve all experienced this; you’re talking to someone, and before you finish what you were saying, they interrupt you. Most of us have done it as well, sometimes out of sheer excitement, maybe because what the other person is saying resonates with us, or because we have some insight on what they’ve just said.
Interrupting can cause the other person to lose their train of thought, but it also comes across as though you weren’t listening to what they were saying, or like you feel that what you have to say is more important. Whether we do it knowingly or not, interrupting someone whilst they are speaking is frowned upon, if you want to have a great first date.
If you feel the urge to say something whilst they are still speaking, take a step back mentally, and ask yourself if it can wait. If you feel it can’t, you could politely ask them if you could interrupt them for a second, then let them carry on. But if it can wait, it is best to do so. It shows that you are interested in what the person is saying and are not just waiting for an opportunity to jump in with your own thoughts or comments.
Making judgements about someone as they speak
There was a popular trend on social media recently, called ‘we listen, we don’t judge’. The idea was for people to share something they had done in the past (or still do) without fear of judgement from listeners (or readers). There were some hilarious revelations, but also some concerning ones, depending on where you looked.
The sentiment behind that trend is a good one when it comes to listening. Hearing what someone is saying and taking the time to get to know them before passing any judgements is wise if you want to secure another date with them in the future.
Part of the reason we sometimes interrupt is because we don’t wait to hear and fully understand what someone is saying; we make assumptions about what we’ve heard so far and conclude that we don’t need to hear anymore. Or, we hear what they say, and assume we know all there is to know about them. To be a good rather than bad listener, hold off on the judgement.
Looking at your phone, watch or other distractions
If someone is talking to you, try to give them your full attention. This means not looking at your phone, your watch, a person at another table, or anything else. Try to maintain eye contact whilst they speak. Letting yourself get distracted suggests to the other person that they are not as important as whatever it is that is distracting you.
Put away anything that will distract you- for example, you can put your phone in your pocket, or in your bag (on silent mode), so you don’t have to look at it any time there’s a notification – and focus on your date.
Invalidating their feelings
Whether or not you agree with what someone is saying, you mustn’t invalidate their feelings. Maybe you wouldn’t feel the same way if you were in the same situation. Maybe you feel that they have overreacted to something that happened to them. But remember that each of us is unique, and we all react differently.
If someone is telling you how they feel or felt about a particular situation, try not to say something like, “I’m sure it wasn’t meant like that”, or “I think you may be overreacting”. Instead, acknowledge how they feel and the message they’re trying to convey. This will help them feel like you’re truly listening to them, and hopefully secure you a future date!
Giving advice when it hasn’t been asked for
Sometimes people just want to talk, and air their feelings. They just want a listening ear to talk through a situation or experience. They’re not necessarily asking for advice, or what you would do if you were in that situation. So, unless someone specifically asks you for advice, don’t give it.
If you’re not sure, you can always ask them if they want your advice, and if they say yes, then go for it. Giving unsolicited advice, especially when you’re just getting to know someone can be off-putting. Instead, just listen and let them know that you’ve heard them, and you understand where they’re coming from.
When you’re on a date with someone, you want to show them that they are important, and what they have to say is of value. Interrupting when they are speaking, giving in to distractions, and invalidating their feelings are all behaviours that make people feel the exact opposite. If you find that you’re doing any of the things that make a bad listener, don’t lose heart; it sometimes takes practice to change our usual behaviours. So, next time you’re on a date, check yourself, and adjust your behaviour accordingly. You’ll be glad you did!
What do you think makes someone a bad listener?
Enjoyed reading ‘First date? 5 things to avoid if you don’t want to be a bad listener’? You might like ‘How to have a great first date‘, ‘First date red flags: 4 signs to watch out for’ and ‘First date green flags: 5 signs your first date deserves a second date‘
