So, what are the topics you should discuss from an early stage of getting to know someone so you’ll both know if you’re dating in the same direction?
Life plans
Think about the big things, the life-shaping things, first. Do you want the same kind of relationship? Are you both seeking marriage? Do you have the same timings in mind? The sooner you have honest conversations about those things, the easier it will be to move forward if you want very different things.
Location
Where do you see yourself settling in the future? Do you want to travel or live abroad? Of course, no one knows for certain where they’re going to live and people do move for love. However, moving across the world could be a big deal breaker for some people. I once went on a date with someone who assumed I would move countries for him and be away from all I knew and loved – I knew we were not on the same road map.
Faith
People are at different stages in their walk with Christ. It is good to establish where people are at to know your expectations and how to share your faith together. My husband had recently returned to Christ fully when we first met, so knowing that helped me to understand some of his path prior to meeting him, and understand the journey he was on.
However, one of the biggest topics of conflict in our first year of marriage was about finding a church that we could both be happy in. It took a lot of prayer and communication to finally unite on that, because of our different paths and backgrounds.
Children and family
What do you want family life to look like? This can change depending on your age and life stage so it’s good to think about where you are now and where you want to be.
Do you or they have children already? This will have a strong bearing on your plans and choices, depending on how old the children are – young or adult – and how involved they are in day to day life. Do you or they want children – or more children – or not?
If children are involved already, you will be navigating a very sensitive situation and you need to know very early on, (if you’re the one with the children,) that a future partner will be committed, loving and a good role model to them, as you would need to be if the roles were reversed.
If a blended family – where you both have children – is on the cards, what would that look like ideally? Do you have other responsibilities – older family members, extended family or other dependents – who need to be considered?
Finance
Money is one of the biggest topics affecting relationships, and often cited as a factor in divorce. It needs to be handled and communicated correctly and sensitively from the very early stages.
It is important to remember to stay safe financially when you meet someone new and are getting to know them: do not divulge your financial details, your earnings or your savings. (You can read Christian Connection’s advice on being asked for money here)
However, you can find out people’s attitude to money. Do they like to save? Are they in debt? Do they prefer to travel, or prefer to save for the future? It is strongly advisable to be on the same page money-wise, otherwise a relationship can become incredibly stressful and it can be very hard to build and maintain trust.
Don’t leave these discussions just for marriage, as sometimes that will be too late. Find you where you both stand, and what you want, before any commitment is made. If someone is unwilling to discuss this, or you have reasons to doubt what you’re hearing, don’t assume things will work out anyway.
Dealing with conflict
We all deal with conflict in different ways. It’s not enjoyable, but disagreement is inevitable within a relationship, as two people get to know each other and begin to merge their lives. At some point down the line you will disagree on something. Look for how you handle that situation together.
Also be aware of different conflict styles: are you rational or irrational? Do you keep it in or let it all out? It is important that you both have a voice, so be aware of this, talk about how you deal with conflict and how best to avoid triggers where possible.
And of course, look for red flags in behaviour, and make sure you are safe. Any form of violence and abuse is not okay.
Difficult situations
Much as we want life to be
plain sailing, there are bumps in the road and sometimes these can appear very early in relationships.
You could be dealing with death, grief, loss of income or tricky family dynamics. Do you shy away from talking about them? Do you turn to things or people you shouldn’t to distract or numb yourself? Do you have any bad habits that need to be broken? It’s good to be honest and raw.
Can you go through tough times together, on the same page, united, knowing that you’ve got each other’s back, and knowing that you can trust each other during them?
The best sat nav for our lives is the Bible. God is the most incredible guide and can lead us through the ‘valley of the shadow of death’ and also ‘beside still waters’. If we keep our search for a partner and a relationship Christ-centred, then the ‘three fold cord’ is not easily broken. It’s amazing how much prayer can unify and establish relationships too, especially when you pray together. Look for someone who is actively showing the fruits of the spirit in all areas of their lives, and see how you this can help you to know if you’re dating in the same direction.
What does dating in the same direction look like for you?
Did you find ‘Dating in the same direction? How to make sure you want the same things’ helpful? Read more by Hannah Grace here
