Task #1: Notice and express one positive thing about your partner each day, no matter how small it is.
Understanding Emotional Triggers (The 24 Hour Rule)
Triggers. We all have them. Regardless of your history and upbringing, we have all had experiences in life that have been challenging, hurtful, difficult, etc. When current situations evoke similar emotions, we often react to the feelings in the here and now but also to the pain of the past. As a result, we may end up having a larger reaction to the incident than someone with a different history would have. Our reactions in these moments can cause pain and hurt in others, especially our partner when it is directed toward them. This is why understanding our emotional triggers is so important. With understanding, we can be more thoughtful about our reactions.
But how do you learn to identify your triggers and prevent yourself from reacting in the moment? This is where the 24 Hour Rule can come in handy. The 24 Hour Rule states that you give yourself 24 hours before responding/reacting to a triggering situation. This can give you the time you need to move through the intense emotions, understand yourself better and respond in a thoughtful manner. During the 24 hours, do the following:
- Engage in soothing activities
- Do some self reflection
- Try to understand your emotions and where they came from
- Figure out what you need to move forward
Then find time to gently share your feelings, triggers and needs with your partner. These types of conversations will help the two of you deepen your intimacy and connection, as opposed to letting a triggering moment cause pain and disconnect.
Task #2: Next time you feel upset with your partner, give yourself time to cool off. Reflect on your emotions, triggers and needs before bringing it to your partner.
Effective Communication Techniques
How we communicate with our partner greatly determines the course of our relationship. Healthy communication skills are a necessity to a happy, stable and loving relationship. Effective communication skills include active listening, the ability to share our feelings and the ability to have constructive conversations.
Active Listening
Most people understand the importance of listening, but they are still struggling to communicate effectively. Why is this? The problem lies in the difference between listening to your partner and your partner feeling heard. Listening is not enough. You must work to help your partner feel heard and understood.
True active listening requires more than just listening. You must be willing to temporarily suspend your own perspective on something and really hear what your partner has to say. Try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and see the world through their eyes. If you don’t understand something, ask follow up questions. Once you believe you do understand, then it’s time to help your partner feel heard and understood. Summarize what you hear your partner saying and then validate what you can. Remember that validation doesn’t mean agreement. You can understand where your partner is coming from and what they are feeling without agreeing.
If people do not feel heard, they get stuck in the conversation and will have difficulty moving forward. They may start repeating themselves, expressing themselves more loudly or stating their point more aggressively. The conversation will often escalate and both partners end up feelings hurt, misunderstood and angry. Active listening will keep conversations calm and allow you and your partner to make progress in the conversation.
Sharing Feelings
Emotions are our GPS in life and they also help us connect to others. It is through the sharing of feelings and supporting one another emotionally that intimacy is deepened. We feel closest to the people we feel safe being vulnerable with. Being open to sharing your inner emotional world and providing safety for your parent to share theirs is where true intimacy lies.
For many people, sharing emotions can be challenging. Many of us were not raised in homes where there was healthy identification, expression and management of emotions so this may be a foreign (or even uncomfortable) process. It may take time but learning to recognize and share emotions is an important skill. You can start by tuning into yourself and giving a name to a feeling. The next step is to identify the positive need. What do you need to feel better about the situation? Then you can share your feelings/needs with your partner using the Gentle Start Up.
The steps are:
(1) “I feel….(insert emotion),
(2) About what… (describe the situation, not your partner),
(3) I need…(share a positive need, what you do need not what you don’t need).
Constructive Conversations
Gottman’s research showed that healthy, happy couples are in a habit of ongoing dialogue about differences, issues, etc. as they arise. By talking, they deepen their understanding of themselves and their partner. This understanding sets the stage for them to be able to work together as a team to manage the issues.
Constructive conversations can be achieved by slowing down and allowing enough time for true exploration and understanding before jumping to problem solving. One way this can be achieved is by taking turns being the Speaker and the Listener. This will give you both time to share and will allow you both to have a turn practicing your active listening skills. Once you both feel heard and understood, you can move into compromise from a place of teamwork.
Task #3: Have a constructive conversation with your partner. When it is your turn to speak, share your feelings and needs without blaming. When it is your turn to listen, use active listening skills.
Strategies for Building Intimacy
Intimacy in a relationship often comes easy and naturally in the beginning of the relationship but it is something that must be nurtured and maintained on an ongoing basis. Building intimacy doesn’t need to take a ton of time but it does require small gestures on a daily basis that build up over time to help you stay connected.
Weekly Couples Meetings
One way to build intimacy is to set aside time every week for you and your partner to check in and talk about the relationship. In these weekly meetings, it is important to share the positive as well as discuss any challenges. You can use the following steps to keep your meetings productive and connecting:
- Take turns sharing 5 appreciations with one another
- Share what is going well/right in the relationship
- Discuss any areas of concern using the techniques listed in the previous section (active listening, sharing feelings/needs, constructive conversations)
- Ask one another the following question: What is one thing I could do next week to make you feel more loved?
Task #4: Collaborate with your partner on a good time each week to implement a Couples Meeting.
Nurturing Bonds
Maintaining a close bond requires you to be attuned to your partner. Attunement means you pay attention to and notice what is going on for them. Are they stressed, overwhelmed, happy, excited? Being tuned in will provide you opportunities to turn toward your partner when they are in need of attention or connection. Noticing and being there for your partner will help them feel important and will build trust in your relationship.
Physical affection can also help deepen your bond. When we connect physically, our bodies release hormones, like oxytocin, that help us feel bonded to our partner. It doesn’t take a lot of affection to see and feel the benefits. You can accomplish this through a 20 second hug and a 6 second kiss. Doing this everyday will keep those bonding hormones flowing.
Task #5: Give your partner a 20 second hug and/or a 6 second kiss.
Understanding Love Languages
We all feel loved in different ways. Usually we receive love in the manner it was given to us as children. There are several ways you may feel loved including words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch and gift giving. You may feel loved through several of these or there may be one that speaks to you the most.
Your partners love language may be the same or it may be different. Our tendency, however, is to show our partner love in the way we receive love. But if your partners love language differs from your own, you will be missing opportunities to help them feel loved. You need to know your partner’s love language and work on showing them love in the way that works best for them.
Task #6: Ask your partner how they want to be shown love and find moments on a daily basis to do one small thing that will help them feel loved.
Conflict Management Techniques
Conflict is not a bad thing in a relationship. In fact, conflict is normal, natural and even necessary. It is through conflict that we can learn about ourselves and our partner and continue to grow. However, for conflict to be constructive, it must be managed properly and dealt with in a gentle manner.
Fighting Fairly
Fighting fairly means that you maintain respect for one another and keep the focus on the issue, not on one another. When we feel upset, it can be hard to express ourselves without attacking our partner but this is crucial to maintaining a healthy relationship. Gottman found that there are 4 behaviors that are destructive to love including criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. Becoming critical (or contemptuous) of our partner when we are upset is not fighting fairly. We must keep the focus on ourselves and share what we are feeling and what we need without attacking our partner.
Fighting fairly also means taking responsibility for our part and not getting defensive or assuming we did nothing wrong. We must always be willing to look at ourself and see our part in things. If we are having trouble keeping the focus on ourselves, we must be willing to take a break and cool off before continuing.
Task #7: Next time a conflict arises, keep the focus on yourself only (how do you feel, what do you need, what is your role in the issues, do you need a break).
Rebuilding Trust
Trust is crucial to a relationship. Trust is built in everyday moments when you are able to make decisions for the good of the relationship, not just yourself. It is going through life with a ‘we’ lens, rather than a ‘me’ lens. The decisions you make should factor in your partners feelings and needs in addition to your own. For example, perhaps you hate doing the dishes but you know it means a lot to your partner to come home to a clean kitchen. When you get off work and are tired, you could:
(a) sit on the couch and leave all the dishes for your partner or
(b) take 10 minutes to clean up and bit before your partner comes home
It is taking small opportunities such as this to show your partner that you have their back that will build trust and provide the relationship with the sold foundation it needs.
Task #8: Find a small way that you can show your partner on a daily basis that you care about their needs and have their back.
Negotiating Differences
Differences in a relationship are inevitable. You and your partner are different people so you will never agree on everything and that is ok. What matters is that you are able to discuss your differences in a respectful manner and find compromises that honor both of you. This requires that you first identify what your core needs are (what you can’t live without) and then identify the things you could be flexible with to help honor your partner’s needs. When you can negotiate differences in this manner it will be a win for both you and your partner and, therefore, a win for the relationship.
Task #9: Next time you and your partner have an argument, try to understand them better. Ask about their values, feelings and needs on the issue and use active listening skills.
Conclusion and Call to Action: Improve your relationship in 24 hours
Relationships are not easy but they offer us the opportunity to continue to grow and develop a deeper, more intimate connection with our partner. For this to happen, partners must be sure they are taking care of themselves and doing their own individual work in addition to investing in the relationship. Self-care includes taking care of yourself physically (sleep, exercise, diet) and mentally (time to destress, spend time with friend/family, etc.) but also includes time for self-reflection and introspection. Take time to identify your emotions, explore your triggers and understand your own needs. It is only through this individual work that you and your partner will be able to have meaningful and connecting conversations and deepen intimacy. If you are having trouble taking care of yourself or feel stagnant in your own growth, seek the guidance of a professional to help you.
Task #10: Do one thing each day for your own self-care.
Relationships can feel overwhelming and hard when our negative to positive ration is not where it needs to be. But with small intentional acts on a daily basis, we can begin to shift the trajectory of our relationship to one of connection and enjoyment. Challenge yourself to take on one (or more) small task a day and soon you will notice improvements in your relationship that, over time, will accumulate into big changes.
