Here are 7 simple ways to be a great listener on dates.
Give eye contact
Listening well involves more than just your ears! Maintaining eye contact with someone when they’re speaking to you shows them that you are engaged and paying attention to them. It makes them feel like they’re the most important person in the room at that point, and who doesn’t want to feel like that, especially on a date?
Eye contact plays a huge role in communication; eyes convey so much more than what someone’s words might be saying, so maintaining eye contact helps you to see beyond just the words, and to the emotions behind them. Giving eye contact also forces you (consciously or sub-consciously) to focus on what the person is saying which can help you be less distracted.
Engage and give your full attention
If you want to be a great listener, you need to remove anything that might distract you. These include obvious physical distractions like your phone, book, magazine, the food menu(!) but also mental distractions like thinking about your plans for the next day, or work.
Giving your full attention to your date by engaging in the conversation helps them feel heard and listened to. It also helps you to truly get to know the person you’re on a date with. Something I remember about my first date with my husband was that he was really engaged in the conversation we were having. He asked me questions and made me feel like he was interested in what I was saying.
So, ask questions, and respond to show that you’re really listening.
Don’t interrupt
A great listener listens without interrupting. This is challenging and requires self-discipline, but it is possible. Be patient and let your date finish what they’re saying, before you say what you want to.
It can help to wait for a natural break in the conversation and mentally note the points you want to address, and when they’re finished, you can ask them questions or let them know what you think. Practice learning to pause and put together your thoughts before speaking, so that you’re not jumping halfway into the conversation.
Listen to understand, not just to respond
This is not the easiest thing to do, but it is important to listen to understand what the person is really saying, rather than just to give your own view. Many people are just waiting for someone to finish talking so they can say what they think. But a great listener listens, knowing they may not even get to share their views, and that’s OK. At that moment, it’s about the person talking.
Ask questions or give feedback to make sure you’ve really understood
Listening to understand the intended meaning behind what someone is saying, rather than interpreting them based on your own assumptions is vital when it comes to being a great listener. Once you’re sure you’ve understood, you can choose to respond, if it feels appropriate. You can do this by giving feedback or asking for clarification if needed, and it can be a great way to keep the conversation flowing too.
Validate their feelings
A great listener validates the other person’s feelings, even if they don’t necessarily understand them, or feel the same way. It is about acknowledging what the other person is saying and understanding that they have a right to feel the way they feel. You can validate someone’s feelings by empathising with them, reassuring them, and asking questions to help you understand better.
Be honest
Acknowledge when you don’t know what to say, or don’t have the right words at that moment. A great listener doesn’t just respond for the sake of responding, but will think about what they want to say, before saying it. This might mean that you just acknowledge that you don’t have anything to say at that particular time, even though you’ve fully heard what the other person has to say.
Being a great listener isn’t something that comes naturally to most people. You may be reading this and thinking, “I’ve got some work to do!” That’s OK. None of us are perfect when it comes to listening and even if we think we’re doing OK, there is always room for improvement. So, why not take a look at that list again? Then think about which areas you could work on and start practicing in readiness for your next date.
What do you think makes someone a great listener?
If you found ‘7 simple ways to be a great listener on dates’ useful, don’t forget to read ‘First date? 5 things to avoid if you don’t want to be a bad listener‘ and you can find lots of great advice in our Better Conversations series.
